Hold on to your truth
by HoshisamaValmor
Summary: Soujirou comes to the Kamiya Dojo to ask Kenshin for help, and Kenshin realizes how similar they actually are.


**Author's Note:** This took way too long to write. Literally. Months in my head and hours typing it down. I wanted to write this before the end of the year. So I just sat down and wrote this out in a single go.

I was inspired by the beautiful fanfic **"After Life"** by Danielle Winters. This also has a continuation now, "**The Mighty Daimyo Kenji"**

It's now hard for me to distinguish Kamiki Ryunosuke from Soujirou, so it does feel a bit 'odd' to see Kaoru and Soujirou talking without having met before, but this is based on the original story. And in the portuguese dub, Kenshin is a lot more direct in comparing himself and Soujirou than I believe he is in the original version so I go from there.

**EDIT:** I changed the way Soujirou refers to Kaoru. Kaoru-san may seem alright for a non Japanese like me but I've learned that it just wouldn't be that right. And also about the marriage, I maintain Kamiya simply because having two Himuras becomes confusing in terms of writing.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Rurouni Kenshin / Samurai X or any of its characters they belong to Watsuki Nobuhiro.

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><p>After finishing the laundry, Kenshin was busy straightening a pair of wet hakama pants when his eyes went past a baby cover and a silly smile made its way to his lips. He never minded getting up early to attend to the laundry, but now that old habit allowed him to see Kenji and Kaoru sleeping soundlessly. Kenshin couldn't help but remember them while looking at the cover.<p>

Kenshin checked his mental list of housework, making sure not to forget anything. As he was picking up the clothes' basket from the floor, he noticed someone approaching, casting a shadow on the hakama, Kenshin peeked beneath the clothing to see the visitor, and he was met with a blue-clad boy.

"Good morning," he greeted.

Kenshin blinked, not expecting to see that sight, and as soon as he moved to try and get a better look at the newcomer, he tripped on a soap bar forgotten on the floor.

"Oro!" and he landed loudly on his butt.

"Himura-san, are you all right?" the boy approached him hastily in concern.

It was kind of an embarassing form of reunion, Kenshin admitted, but if not anything else, it showed he didn't find the boy to be a threat. As he looked up, he had to correct himself with the word 'boy', for the familiar face he found was now distinctively more mature and now belonged to a young man rather than the boy he remembered.

"It's been a while, that it has!" Kenshin said with a smile and Seta Soujirou smiled back and bowed.

"I'm sorry for the intrusion."

"Not at all," Kenshin nodded in thanks when Soujirou moved to try and help him get up, but he stood up on his own and started dusting off his hakama. What a way to greet a visitor... good thing Kaoru was still asleep. "How have you been, Soujirou? It's been... five years now?"

"Ano..." Kenshin raised his eyes to the younger man, who looked uncomfortable, as if trying not to be rude. "I was hoping I could talk to you."

"Of course. You must have travelled a long way too, and I'm all done with my laundry. Come on in."

Now the uncomfortable and almost timid posture changed and Soujirou looked surprised. He wasn't expecting such an immediate and kind reception from Kenshin, hence the more careful approach for such a simple requst. Considering everything that had happened, he must have been expecting a cautious or suspicious approach from Kenshin, at the very least.

Kenshin had to notice how in just two minutes, he had seen more emotions and reactions in Soujirou than in all the times they had been together and fought before. Who would have thought the former Tenken would become so easy to read?

That was a good sign. Kenshin smiled to himself, picking up the soap and the basket and waving for the younger man to follow him inside, but as he took off his sandals he suddenly remembered:

"I thought you were still being wanted by the police?"

Soujirou's face brightened up in the most innocent and adorable smile Kenshin had seen (and certainly hoped not to see in Kenji's face in the future).

"Still am! But they haven't followed me here."

Kenshin could do little but chuckle nervously, imagining how he would tell Kaoru that they had a former and still wanted dangerous criminal in their house. Not that it was actually a novelty, he himself being the perfect exemple, but-

"Good morning, Kenshin, we have visitors?"

For the second time in so few minutes, Kenshin felt like he would (or maybe, _should_) just trip and fall to the ground pretending to be knocked out.

"Good morning, sorry for the intrusion," Soujirou bowed to Kaoru. "I am Seta Soujirou."

"Kamiya Kaoru," Kaoru bowed as well, but it came out a little awkward as she was carrying Kenji on her arms. "The name sounds familiar, but I don't believe we've met...? Kenshin, what's with that face?"

Kenshin blinked and regained his composure.

"Sorry, Kaoru-dono, I just wasn't expecting you to be up already. I don't think you two met," to which Soujirou immediately added:

"I was part of the Juppongatana."

Kaoru blinked and nodded, and Kenshin now felt a bit lost. Soujirou was so cautious with him before but now was spontaneous and carefree with someone he didn't know, saying something like that. He guessed Soujirou himself was still a bit lost with what he was supposed to feel.

"You're the one who broke his sakabatou," Kaoru suddenly remembered.

"I am," Soujirou became more retracted again and bowed. Kenshin shared Soujirou's relief that that single episode was the only thing Kaoru remebered about his previous work for Shishio. "Himura-san spared my life and taught me something I didn't know before, and for that I will always be grateful."

Kenshin clapped his hands.

"Since introductions are made, I'll start working on lunch. Do you mind talking with me while I work?" From Soujirou's slightly uneasy face, Kenshin realized he wasn't sure if this conversation should take place over lunch.

Kenshin knew - and could see - Soujirou was changed from the emotionless assassin he had once been, but there was something obviously bothering the younger man. And though not in a dangerous manner - yet - Soujirou was still unstable. It was Kenshin's turn to become a little more cautious.

"Kenshin, of course not!" Kaoru stepped in. "I'll take care of the food while you two talk. I'll prepare some tea for you."

"E-Eh... surely we can have lunch a bit later then, Kaoru-dono...?" Kaoru darted him a glare that was now mirrored by Kenji on her lap, sensing his stupid father was criticising his mother's cooking. "All right, but can I at least prepare the tea?"

...

The baby turned his eyes from Kenshin and glared at Soujirou. The young man smiled and saw how the child's little brow frowned at that, as if to say _"Who is this silly person and why is he smiling at me?"_

Why indeed. It was getting confusing again.

"Kenji, don't be disrespectful," Kamiya-san told her child. She seemed to be a very kind person. Some years ago, Soujirou would have looked at her and thought something similar as he did about Kenshin: _wrong_. Her kindness was wrong. But she had a disguised strength in her too, he could tell. Someone strong protecting someone weak as the child in her arms.

That had to be right. How would that baby survive without someone strong protecting him? There was the proof his previous thinking was flawed.

_See? Here it is. I knew I had to come to see Himura-san. I need his help._

Soujirou travelled for days, days that turned to weeks, and still he couldn't find a balance again. He had to come to Tokyo and visit Kenshin, to try to talk with him. Seeing how the former hitokiri greeted him had been both a relief and a worry.

Despite what he said about making the tea, Kenshin was the one to escort him to a room with a tatami floor. Soujirou bowed and waited, sitting down and staring at the tree outside.

Anyone would expect Soujirou to be in control of his emotions by now. Five years was a long time, and if not everything else, he ought to be accostumed to emotions like any normal person would. Soujirou_ himself_ was sure he should have gained control over his emotions after this long. And he had, he was sure he had become familiar with the emotions people would deem normal.

And now, it was all confusing again. Any time he saw the blood in his mind, it would send a whirlwind of _something_ that would leave him dizzy and scared and he wanted to stop and scream, anything to not feel anymore. Why this now, again?

He was here at last, to try and talk to Kenshin, but how would he react? He could see how Kenshin had grown cautious at Soujirou's probably strange actions, his mind adjusting to whatever mental state Soujirou was in; Soujirou didn't know how to talk about it without showing he wasn't a threat anymore.

Or rather, that he didn't want to be one again.

...

Soujirou was sitting silently when he heard the shoji panel slide and Kenshin entered.

"I'm sorry for waiting." Kenshin smiled and kneeled, pouring the tea to both of them. Soujirou sat in seiza pose and Kenshin tried to look at his eyes to read what exact emotion he was feeling at the moment; the younger man's eyes were half hidden behind his hair. "What is it you want to talk to me? From your expression, it seems to be a serious matter-"

"I killed again."

Kenshin's cup stopped for just an instant on the way to his lips, but he finished the move and drank just a sip.

"Why."

Soujirou's shape trembled however slightly, and Kenshin saw how he tried to find a way to express everything - or maybe, trying to express anything at all.

"I... I didn't even know who he was."

"I asked you why, Soujirou."

Soujirou's gaze was still hidden, and Kenshin heard the words come out at once, but no emotion whatsoever registered. It was simply a string of words. Three weeks ago near Akita region, Soujirou had been helping in a small village's celebration. At a certain point a drunken man started doing tricks and became irritated at a couple of children making fun of him. By some reason, the man had a sword with him, a rusty blade in bad state, and started smashing barrils to let out his anger. The other men told him to stop, in a way that showed it was usual to witness that type of behaviour, but Soujirou was the only one to go to him and make him stop. It only made the man more angry, and the sword fell from his hand in the blind misguided rage. Soujirou simply picked the sword from the ground and turned, shoving the blade into the man and killing him.

"There was this loud thunder and all I could think was, 'I can't believe it's going to rain like back then'. But it didn't rain, I guess it wasn't a repetition but something different," Soujirou let out a nervous chuckle and it was the first time Kenshin sensed emotion since he started telling what happened. A half-hidden but raw anxious despair. "I guess it was actually the people screaming, maybe not even a thunder."

_It's going to rain like back then_, Kenshin repeated those words in his mind. He never found out what had happened to Soujirou, but he still remembered the anger and pain in the boy's screams when they last fought. _"If you protect the weak, why didn't you protect me back then?!"_ Whatever it had been, Kenshin thought the boy had faced those memories when his mind shattered. So was this...?

"Did you think that man was threatening the children?"

"Eh?" It seemed like Soujirou was brought back to earth. "Threatening? I... don't know. I mean, if he was, surely..."

"...someone would have protected them?" _The same way someone should have protected you?_

Soujirou's face raised slightly though his eyes remained low on his teacup, but it was enough for Kenshin to see him blink in confusion, as if trying to see something he must have missed before.

"I don't know if he was threatening them. I just killed him. It was so _easy_. It was so easy, Himura-san, all I had to do was turn and he was dead. And I... I felt so empty."

"Why do you think you felt empty, Soujirou?"

"Because it was easy. I didn't had to think, to feel anything. It was so much easier, weightless. There was nothing else, so I was empty."

"Then why are you here? Why did you travel all the way from Akita to come talk to me?"

At that, Kenshin saw Soujirou's smile return, a sad and lost smile that Kenshin knew he would see eventually as Soujirou started talking.

"Because I was scared. When I saw the blood, when I felt how easy it was, I wanted to let go. Just don't care anymore. But I killed him in front of everyone, so everyone was staring at me. When I looked at them, I became so scared."

Soujirou's hand raised to his head, but the fingers curled in his hair didn't pull as hard as they had last time. His voice was shaking like a child remembering a nightmare.

"It was so confusing. I wanted to let go because it was easier, but I became so scared to return to how I was before. Everything came crushing down again, and I could see clearly who I used to be, I could hear their cries, everyone I killed, I could hear _you_, saying how I never wanted to kill anyone, I could _feel_ how I didn't want to kill again, how different I had already become. Silly, isn't it? But it was terrifying, I felt suspended, stuck in that moment. And I didn't want to return to how I was."

Silent tears fell from his eyes and trailed down his cheeks. Kenshin decided to remain quiet now that Soujirou had overcome the blockage about that night and was finally talking about it.

"I need your help, Himura-san. I don't want to return to how I was."

"Have I told you how similar we are?"

Soujirou's eyes raised finally.

"N-No."

"Then perhaps I told Sanosuke, right before we fought for the last time. From what I could percieve from your words at that time, I understand you have faced events that a young boy should not have experienced. Events you should have been protected from but weren't. At that point, meeting the wrong person at the right time can change everything."

"It wasn't wrong. I would have died without Shishio-san. He was the only one that protected me. That will never change."

"I understand that. For too many reasons, some situations simply are turning points in one's life - and in that moment, a single person can change the whole course of life. For you, it was Shishio. I can put myself in your place, and with that influence, I would have done the same thing you did. I can put myself in your place - because I too had a person like that in my life. Each of us would have been a completely different person had we not found those people in our lives."

Soujirou was listening to his words avidly.

"In time, I was faced with situations like that, too. I wanted to kill people, and I was alone too. I didn't had anyone to turn to and talk. I held to my truth - my vow to not kill. It hasn't been easy, but eventually I met people who helped me. No one can give you the answer for how you should be, Soujirou..."

"I know, I know that. I just wanted to not feel so lost."

"...but it's important to have people who help you to not feel lost. Kaoru-dono has a gift to build family out of us who were once lost, and you can have a safeplace here whenever you need. Like you do now."

Soujirou wasn't expecting that. His eyes still wet from the tears widened and his lips parted slightly, then closed, uncertain he would even be able to say something that expressed what he was feeling.

"I... thank you."

Kenshin smiled. The return of his emotions was what allowed Soujirou to show true pain and fear while talking, fear of the shadow of his past to where he could have slipped so easily - as Kenshin himself knew. He felt how those emotions were true in Soujirou, how his struggle was real, and he felt a silent pride in the younger man for having unconsciouly overcome such a difficult trial. Soujirou could have been lost on that night three weeks ago; but his truth became his salvage.

They were more similar than Soujirou would ever understand.

"Now let me go prepare lunch, or you'll become too familiar too fast with the cooking problems we have around here."

"Hm... eh?"

**~おわり~**

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><p>Author's Note: And it's done. I'm done.<p>

**Thanks for reading**, hope you can drop a review because I'm tired.


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